Ask Cheryl: Advice Column #1

Ask Cheryl is an enigma within an enigma within an enigma, and she’s here to answer all of your questions. Check the gorgeous pink box in the library to ask away. Just toss in your question and prepare to be dazzled. Almost as awe-inspiring as Foster’s Peanuts.

Dear Cheryl,
I can’t tell the difference between reality and dreams. Is there a machine like the one in Inception so I can get rid of my problem?
-Living in a Chris Nolan Nightmare

Dear Living in a Chris Nolan Nightmare,
The only way to get out of your Inception style life is to call up Leo D and promise him a large sum of cold hard cash. If you are economically disadvantaged, then just have Ellen Page push you. If that doesn’t work, enjoy Foster’s fabulous new almond flavored peanuts while living in Limbo. Limbo is crazy, and so are Foster’s peanuts. Crazy, but delicious. Crazy delicious.

Dear Cheryl,
I was thinking about string theory until I suddenly reappeared in another dimension. How do I get back?
-Physics Failure

Dear Physics Failure,
You appear to be a student with such a low grade in physics that you seem to be confusing an explanation of the fundamental structure of our universe with some sort of “teleporting” scientific theory. Open up your textbook once in a while and you’ll be back to planet earth in no time. (Though technically, “no time” could be a subjective quantity. Wow, physics is confusing.) Or you could open up a can of Foster’s new chocolate covered peanuts and share it with your equally unintelligent friends. Now that I think about it, Einstein may have had a peanut allergy.

Dear Cheryl,
I have recently begun fighting with my little brother, who constantly steals my pet lizard. He let him loose and now I’m irritated with him and might plan a violent attack. What should I do?
-Lizard Boy

Dear Lizard Boy,
Classy name by the way, The only way to retrieve your pet is with Foster’s new PET FOOD. You can find this delicious brand in the canned food goods aisle and you’re set. Set this can on the ground while continuously wafting the smell in to the air. Your lizard should arrive in no time, but while waiting why not try the stuff for yourself? It’s calming. Crazy, but delicious.

Dear Cheryl,
What is the best way to break up with someone?
-Not Looking for Love

Dear Not Looking for Love,
The important thing is to break it to them is public, so they are either too embarrassed to make a scene, or their outburst makes you look good. Send them Foster’s new spicy peanut jumbo pack so when they use their hand to wipe their tears, it will burn. Just remember that you are a horrible person who steps on the feelings of others and your conscience will surely be clear.

Insert disturbing questions here.

– Multiple anonymous people

Dear Troll,
Your obsession with Ask Cheryl says more about your disturbing character than ours.