Why Group Projects Are a Load of Malarkey

If you’re like me, the end of the semester means not only finals, but a barrage of projects you’ve barely started. And some of those are inevitably group projects.

Here’s the thing about group projects: they are utterly useless. At best, they are fun but inefficient: a group of really great people get together to do an hour of work and finish it in four. And then they all high-five each other at the end, and on their peer review they give everyone an A plus plus.

At worst, they can create lifelong feuds and make a person hate the breadth of humanity.

First, there’s the one-person-does-all-the-work-and-that-person-is-you project. The name pretty much explains it. But if you are a perfectionist like me, doing two to four people’s jobs yourself and spending long nights crying over some sad poster or model doesn’t sound all that bad, because there is an upside: you have total control over every mind-numbing detail. It’s a control freak’s dream come true.

Second, the project without direction. No one is taking any responsibility, no good ideas are made, and there is little communication between group members. Picture a book report where no one actually reads the book, and the students don’t meet up until the day before the project is due. They just pull something out of their rear and hope for a half-decent grade, consoling themselves with the fact that no one else tried.

Lastly, a manifestation of the group project so formidable I made it a proper noun, there is the “Butting Heads” project. Basically, two or more people have very different ideas about the direction of the project.

It doesn’t matter whether they both have good ideas or not; nothing can get done until one person submits to the other. The project’s deadline is approaching and the group can’t seem to agree on anything, so one gives in. The new leader goes stark-raving mad on a power trip and insists that their bizarre demands be met ( Patrick’s- Day- themed project in February?) just to exercise their will. The other person, in turn, becomes subversive and angry, writing articles in Baron Banner about how much they hate group projects, complaining to everyone they know, vaguely wishing they had the guts to sabotage their own project.

Their anger is warranted. Every bit of work they do, every suggestion they make is torn apart by the group project tyrant. When the peer review sheets are inevitably given to this student, they are going to ask for extra pages. No one is going to be spared—those who stood by and said nothing are accomplices by omission. Rubbing their hands together and smirking like some cartoon villain, they write a five-paragraph essay on the ineptitude of their group.

In any of the instances, did the students learn people skills? How to communicate effectively? How to synthesize bits of ideas from several people into something that will please everyone? How to do excellent work in shortest possible amount of time?

I’ve lived through all of these projects, and from these tragedies learned strangle my innate want to do the best work possible and feign apathy to the project, tell myself to not be so invested. I feel like Dr. Frankenstein; I don’t want to claim my own creation. So when I walk away from another disappointment of a project, I will curse every teacher who tried to convince me that group projects did anything but waste colossal amounts of time.