Last night, on Lifetime network, Dance Moms, the television equivalent of a Charlie Sheen meltdown returned with new drama, new dancers, and new performances. Throughout the entire first season, viewers were treated to a nearly continuous stream of the bickering mothers of an over privileged, confused, and very talented girls’ dance troupe. While watching this slow-motion train wreck, I couldn’t help but think, “I should not be watching this because this is a terrible show but I can’t take my eyes off the screen”. And, despite my moral conscious telling me otherwise, I managed to tune in consistently for each episode, earning the most despicable and detestable show on television its right to a second season. And… I am loving it.
The first episode of the second season refreshed my memories about last season’s antics through a careful flashback montage, but not for long. Ever onward seems to be the motto of this show. One thing we can really applaud the producer’s for is never replaying content too many times. They definitely respect the intelligence of their audience. Oh wait! “This is the ultimate competition for these girls,” says Abby Lee Miller somewhere between four and six times during the episode. I spoke too soon.
Coming into this, my mind needs a quick refresh course on each of the girls. Firstly, we have the smallest of the group: Mackenzie. Sister of Maddie, Mackenzie gets to actually dance with the older girls for the first time. I’m sensing some contract negotiations went on for the six-year-old during the show’s hiatus. Next up is Maddie, always the star of the show (and the one who says she would kill herself if she couldn’t dance, as many have seen in that well-publicized clip). Mackenzie and Maddie are Melissa’s daughters. Easy enough to remember, the three “M”s.
Christi’s daughter Chloe, always second-best, follows having just earned herself the spot as the winner of the music video contest at the end of the first season. Kelly’s kids Brooke and Paige are not prominently featured in this episode, but we have a new dancer among us, Kendal (mother: Jill). Despite all her mom has hyped her dancing up to be, she is nowhere near as good as even Mackenzie. I don’t understand why they needed another girl. But on to other things…
In between the fighting and posturing of the moms, there was some actual dancing. The performances this week did not impress me at all, however. First off, Maddie’s solo, in an all-new age category, featured her in a musical theater piece, and, not surprisingly, it turned out a first place win (despite not showing any actual emotion during the performance). Chloe performed next and also earned first place in her own category, but with a distinctly better routine and performance. Nia followed and, even without her mom in attendance to support her, won the fourth place prize, which is distinctly better than she’s done in the past. The last soloist was Kendal, whose number did little to impress me. Her body seemed to have good technique, but her face was stoic (she clearly suffered from anxiety during the performance, considering she was not only being critiqued by the panel of judges in front of her but by the whole of America watching this atrocious episode). I would have rather seen Mackenzie hop around the stage in a cute costume or Brooke perform a contortionist “acrobatic” routine than watch Kendal’s meh attitude and mechanical dance steps. The group number entitled “Sassy Girl” featured the girls dressed up in plastic-looking and skimpy Barbie costumes and dancing to the phrase “I’m a sexy girl.” Per Abby, none of them were sexy during the performance and they’re all (including six-year-old Mackenzie) too old to be sweet.
Let’s get down to the meat of the show. You may be wondering what went on between the moms this week. Well, Kelly called Abby an offensive name, Christi and Kelly teamed up against Melissa, and Holly was once again unable to make time for her daughter. Sound familiar? That’s what makes this show so amazing! What will these women put themselves through to be on television? The answer: a lot. New mom Jill debuts as the confident elitist dance mom who wants to be friends while maintaining her unattainable level of moral integrity. Good luck with that one, sister! Melissa vows to defend Jill if any of the other moms gang up on her (I’m sure that this is another incredibly meaningful promise from Melissa). Abby refuses to speak to Holly when Holly has to work instead of attending a competition in North Carolina. Jill gives Abby Chanel perfume in front of everybody. We should all be gasping by now. Roll credits.
Dance Moms returned as a rousing success with many episodes to come, promising all the drama and even less actual dancing. Bring it on!
