Ask Cheryl: The Valentine’s Day Edition
by Cheryl Harnett
And so we meet again, young impressionable youths (and older friends of said youths) to gather around the fiery pit of life to gain wisdom from none other than myself, Ms. Cheryl Hillary Harnett. What is the occasion for our fireside poetry session? For what do reason do we assemble under the starry night skies and brisk afternoons of this February? Hun, it’s for Valentines Day, and I will be delivering the sonnet of love. Fear not the imprudence and follies of love for I am here to help. I have loved, lost, and learned to love again (after suffering from several more odious love affairs). So please, absorb my wisdom as a survivor of the cancer that is heartbreak and the disease that is loneliness and despair.
Dear Cheryl,
What is the best remedy for a broken heart?
-Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless in Seattle,
There is no better way to mend a torn ventricle than with a lovely adventure-filled trip. What’s the destination? That doesn’t matter, what matters is your journey to self-discovery! You cannot love again until you learn to love and get to know yourself first. Plus, who doesn’t like a little “vacay” or “me time”? After one of my major heartbreaks post Harvard, I went on a tour through Italy sampling some of the world’s finest eggplants and meeting some very “interesting” people. But as a mere high schooler with the funds of an English pauper, you might be able to take a short trip to the beach (although I wouldn’t recommend actually stepping on the sand because that would mean scuffing up those expensive Chanel flats you just got). Or you could eat chocolate. Trader Joe’s Milk Chocolate Hazelnut Bars are a favorite of mine.
Dear Cheryl,
People tell me that if I don’t lose weight or start wearing skinny jeans, I might end up as a hermit in the higher Appalachian regions. I really don’t want to grow a beard or feed garden snails in my spare time. Also, Mountain Dew is really gross and females shouldn’t grow beards.
-Forever a Flare
Dear Forever a Flare,
While I agree with you about the fact that women should avoid facial coiffures of any type, and Mountain Dew should be considered a type of automobile fuel not for consumption, I must disagree over the fact that you need to loose weight. Hun, women come in all shapes and sizes. You need to own your body no matter how horribly obese you are. Of course, if you are morbidly obese, you should consult a health professional and loose some LBs. And please move on with the times, skinny jeans are in. Even Paula Dean can be spotted with some jeggings on these days. Paula Dean is perfect, but that doesn’t matter right now. Don’t let peer pressure force you to change who you are. Hun, if my terrible excuse for a sister can find someone, you can too.
Dear Cheryl,
Who took the class out of the high school dating scenario?
-YOLO
Dear “YOLO”,
You did for using that acronym. I refuse to unquote such a thing. Please go listen to “Party Rock” or something.
Dear Cheryl,
What role does mutual disgust play in a relationship?
-Confused and Concerned
Dear Confused and Concerned,
Hun, mutual disgust results in the end of a relationship.
Dear Cheryl,
Bill Murray stole my dog, and he said if I told anyone they would not believe it. How do I get back at him without having to watch Space Jam?
-Mad About Murray
Dear Mad About Murray,
Bill Murray is beautiful so I do not believe you. If I did believe you, I would say that Bill Murray deserved your dog because he is so wonderful. In fact, Bill Murray deserves anything or anyone he steals or takes.
Dear Cheryl, you are amazing.