By Kailyn Huynh.
Let me guess … your sibling, who attended high school prior to you, was an immensely successful student. They had perfect grades, took the most APs and stacked loads of extracurriculars to become the model all-around student.
Now, everyone can’t stop comparing you to them. Your teachers note cherishable memories of having your sibling in their class, aunts and uncles remark on their amazing accomplishments and parents look and compare their own children to your sibling’s successes.
Maybe no one says it explicitly, but everyone is pawning on you to follow in their footsteps. That’s a lot to take in and to live up to as a young high school student, all of which only causes a great deal of unnecessary stress.
The need to uphold the sibling legacy is a regular issue faced by a great deal of high school students. This standard can result in a number of effects on the individual and lead to a lack of balance in their life.
For the purpose of this article, I have divided the main problems of the sibling legacy into three categories:
- Comparison
Although sibling comparison tends to stem from positive intent, it often ends up serving as the opposite. Instead of siblings being seen as role models and an inspiration, their footsteps become a source of resentment.
“I do hear from a lot of students who feel compared to siblings,” School Psychologist Cynthia Olaya said. “The difference is that sometimes these comparisons come directly from family, students who compare themselves even when parents don’t do it, and sometimes parents don’t think they are comparing, but the comparisons are subtle.”
Olaya noted that these comparisons might manifest in statements such as, “Why can’t you be like your older brother?”
Having two siblings who attend UCI and UCSD, junior Nasa Cao expressed that comparison to her older brothers is a common occurrence.
“Although they may not have bad intentions, teachers, peers, and upperclassmen who know of my older siblings personally create pressure by following the assumption that I will carry on their legacy, take the same path as them, and/or perform similarly and even better than they did,” Cao said.
While she does feel a sense of pride in being related to someone as accomplished as her brothers, Cao explained how there is still an underlying pressure and bit of envy that forms. Just because of her relation to her siblings, she feels that others automatically expect her to succeed just as much.
“Sibling comparison is not great, but having siblings (older and younger) that you can look up to and have as a guide or role model is not all bad,” Olaya said. “It’s when there is a comparison that makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you create an unhealthy imbalance in your life that this becomes a problem.”
- Pressure and Self-doubt
High school is hard enough as it is, however, pressure to succeed is only amplified by the sibling legacy. Students experience a constant need to meet and outdo the standard an older sibling has already set.
Cao, being the last to graduate from high school, finds the sibling legacy a topic which constantly falls in the back of her mind. She, among many others, aspires to be accepted into an admirable university in order to compete with her siblings’ achievements.
“I find that I put pressure on myself the most,” Cao said. “It is a deep rooted insecurity of mine to disappoint my family.”
Olaya explained the type of effects this pressure to achieve can have on adolescents. It often leads to “Not feeling good enough [and] not feeling like you’ll ever be good enough,” Olaya said, “like you are not valued for who you are and the strengths you possess.”
Furthering this point, Cao expressed her difficulties with college applications. Cao said, “Now that I am closer to applying to college, I sometimes struggle with finding confidence in myself when all I seem to be is Christian’s/Sebastian’s little sister.”
In comparing oneself to a successful sibling, the question always brought up in these scenarios is “Am I doing enough?”
One topic Olaya touched upon was the fact that some tend to overachieve in the quest to outdo a sibling which can be harmful to the individual. She expanded on the idea that certain people may engage in what is called a self-fulfilling prophecy or the Pygmalion effect.
Olaya said, “In this example, a student who feels like they will never meet the achievements of an older sibling will consciously or subconsciously behave in a way to make that true.”
As a result of this self-doubt, people may be led to make negative choices and have an unhealthy balance in different aspects of their life; such as their social, academic, physical activity and alone time.
- Lack of Identity
When discussing the sibling legacy, Olaya said, “The most important impact is internalizing expectations based on an older sibling’s achievements [which] may cause a student to ignore or minimize their own actual interests, hobbies, desires and options.”
In an attempt to fulfill expectations, students tend to lose their own sense of identity. They become so focused on following their sibling’s footsteps that they are unable to create a path of their own.
Continuing her siblings’ legacies, Cao said, “I feel as though I’ve lost my own individuality and am producing things I should be proud of, covered by their shadow.”
Throughout the media, it is common to hear discussion about the importance of “finding your identity” alongside talks about self-realization. However, under the sibling legacy, it is difficult to find your own purpose when constantly reminded to be like someone else.
In spite of that, it is still possible for a student to create their own path.
“Adolescence is a time for exploring who you are,” Olaya said.
She suggests students take advantage of any opportunities to find their own interests and talk to trusted individuals, including older siblings.
“They can often offer mentorship and advice,” Olaya said.
Conclusion
As we have established, the sibling legacy is a heavy burden for younger siblings to carry.
While it is not all bad– possibly leading to more opportunities for success, a higher level of motivation and advice or guidance– it is essential to recognize how these expectations can also take a negative toll on a student’s lifestyle.
“I am definitely grateful for their legacy, even if I have lost some sense of individuality because of it,” Cao said. “I wouldn’t be as accomplished with my high school career as I am right now.. [and] although it has taken a toll on my self-worth at times, in the end I find that it has resulted in a mindset driven by excellence for myself.”
If you do find yourself struggling with this issue, Olaya stresses the importance of being honest with not only yourself but the root of these comparisons as well.
Find someone trusted that you can open up to.
“Sometimes another perspective can be helpful,” Olaya said.
