By Leroy Tran
Mariah Carey is defrosting, and the money is rolling in. Who wouldn’t want to be her kid? Illustration by Emily Chan.
As Mariah Carey says, “It’s Time!!!!”
As warm autumn colors give way to cool winter hues, Christmas cheer has already descended across the country. With the onset of the holiday season, a certain tune of Saint Nicholas’ sonic canon has reared its head and signalled the arrival of the sleigh: “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”
Released in 1994 from Mariah Carey’s fourth studio album, “Merry Christmas,” “All I Want for Christmas Is You” has become an essential track for the last three decades of holiday nostalgia. Its dominance over December sounds will remain the status quo, as evidenced by its perpetual return to the Billboard Hot 100 when November nears its end. Carey’s vocals of festive love and the singer herself are synonymous with Christmas—so much so that I want to be Mariah Carey’s kid.
I mean, who wouldn’t want to be the child of the “Songbird Supreme” and the people’s definitive “Queen of Christmas,” a title all but legal, and to share in her incredible contribution to the holiday culture? Moreover, consider the wealth so near—Carey alone is a multi-millionaire, worth approximately 350 million U.S. dollars (USD). In addition to creating a dominion over Christmas, her three-decade career has been timelessly lucrative, with an astounding 220 million sales across her many albums. As any astute celebrity should, Carey has leveraged her success to engage in high-profile brand deals and business ventures, expanding her profits beyond the music industry.
Ultimately, the crux of this discussion is that Mariah Carey’s fortune is energetically alive, leading to this declaration: that I would like to be Mariah Carey’s child and live with the Careys.
It sounds a little odd writing it out, but remember, even if, like some celebrities have been known to do, Carey were to plunge her career into irrelevance, “All I Want for Christmas Is You” will surely outlive her and her career. The music never dies; Carey’s pop Christmas carol will always play somewhere, in a nearby department store or on a faraway bodega radio. With each play of “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” Carey profits from royalties—nearly 3 million USD each year—and the money will flow as long as the song doesn’t fade into obscurity, which it will not.
And if it is not Mariah Carey raking in the royalties, then it will be me, or at least a portion of them will go to me; I assume Moroccan and Monroe Carey wouldn’t mind splitting the goldmine of Mariah’s Christmas queendom. We’d be the children of a Christmas empire that will survive both Carey and me. A single Christmas album of hers is essentially generational wealth … my kids and their kids could live comfortably off of “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” When I say I want to be Mariah Carey’s kid, it’s not a selfish wish.
Imagine, for a moment, that Christmas is the very foundation of your family, imbuing the amazing and pure values of the holiday spirit in every relative.
What a jolly dynasty that would be.
